Somedays I’d rather just be dead again

Everything threw me for a loop this week and, even though I’m not a big fan of all this up and down and sideways, I understand that everything is a process.  Still though…OOOOPH!

After I came out of my NDE, I was euphoric. I felt that nothing could shake the feeling of complete peace and total understanding I had. I just GOT everything. I knew why I was meant to struggle through life. I knew why I’d been through so many tragic and traumatic experiences. I knew why life had never been easy. I understood why people committed murder, why people abused animals, why suffering existed. I knew why I had conflict with certain people. I knew why it was necessary to have a constant ebb and flow of emotion and life wasn’t meant to just be a constant rainbow shooting out of a unicorn’s ass. I knew it all.

And I accepted it all, even when I hated it.

Here I am, 5.5 months later, and I just can’t accept it all anymore. Here I am, once again finding myself crying uncontrollably or raging at animal cruelty. Here I am, once again finding myself thinking the worst of certain people based on their past tendencies or present conduct, even when I have NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH. Here I am, sitting up on my pedestal, JUDGING certain people because their values conflict with mine or I disagree with choices they’ve made. In the past week, I’ve asked myself about a million times, “What does it matter to you? Why do you care what others do when it doesn’t directly affect you?” and EVERY SINGLE TIME, the answer has been that it should NOT matter to me what others do unless it directly affects me and, even then, it is my choice to react kindly or to remove myself from the situation if it’s causing me to war with my own psyche. But those rational answers did not stop me from letting negative bullshit fester within.

And through it all, I have been missing the peace and pure love that I felt during my NDE. The feeling that no matter what I’d done in life-no matter who I had helped or hurt or hindered-nothing else but love exists on the other side. And peace. A peace so pure and profound, it permeated my very being and lit it up with a light so warm that I could have stood in a snowstorm naked and never shivered.

The longer I’ve been away from the other side, the more I feel the inevitable emotions of life pulling me away from that feeling of peace and love and freedom. Even though I am destined to live a long life and learn and teach many more lessons, the thought of being dead again is, frankly, very appealing some days. Even one second of that peace and love can have a profound effect on a person. It resets you, recharges your batteries, gives you a new outlook and a new determination to live a good life. Now don’t go getting all worried that I’m planning to off myself, either. One, it’s not my style and two, I have a lot of shit to learn still and I don’t plan on leaving until I’ve learned it. Oh, and three, I’m a Scorpio…we are, ahem, slightly stubborn (understatement). All I’m saying is that it makes me sad that I am losing the euphoria and clarity that I had when I came back, but I understand that it can’t last forever because we would never continue to learn lessons and teach others if we weren’t sucked back into the human experience.

This week has been all about negative energy for me. It started with a carryover of anger and sadness that was sparked last weekend during a family function and it just carried on from there. I felt inferior and useless compared to the guys I work with (who are like machines that never stop or seem to tire) and I felt like I was in some sort of competition to prove myself worthy of keeping up, even though I am almost 40 and most of them are at least 10 years younger than I am. I felt angry at my husband for not spending enough quality time with me (which was a bit ridiculous…Sorry babe!!!). I felt guilty for being too sick to work and then again, useless, because I wasn’t super productive when I was actually at work (I shouldn’t have went to work feeling like crap…). I felt my heart constrict about three sizes with all the animal cruelty shit that has come through my news feed lately and ended up crying for over an hour about all the suffering animals endure at the hands of humans (I’m tearing up just writing about it right now. It affects me more profoundly than anything else ever does). And all of this has been permeated by a sense of sadness that comes from letting go of a good friend whose path is no longer entwined with mine. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to open my heart and breathe and let in all the beauty and good energy that is always there for balance. This is what happens to so many of us. We let one negative feeling snowball into a bazillion others until we shut out the light and invite sickness (yes, good job Jo) and angst into ourselves and forget about all the good.

It wasn’t until this morning that I clued in to how closed off I was being and how I was helping to keep myself unbalanced. The light bulb was my husband’s smiling and utterly joyous energy when he Facetimed me from somewhere in the States where he is riding his motorbike with buddies. A minute of talking to him and I could feel his infectious and excited energy surrounding me, reminding me to let in the good energy. The few minutes I talked to him shifted my focus and allowed me to reflect on something I’ve been ignoring (or maybe blocking out on purpose). My connectedness.

What I’ve taken away from my journey to the other side and back is a heightened sense of the universe. Unfortunately, it has left me with some gut feelings that I’d rather not be able to feel, but it has also given me some amazing gifts. I see things before they happen (either in my head or during dreams); I feel people’s truths faster than I ever hear or see them (so I am much better at relationships than I ever used to be and I have become much more sympathetic and understanding because of it); I can find lost items just by thinking about them (even other people’s); I can read a room in seconds and see everyone’s colours, so gauging moods has become easy and commonplace; I know when my phone is going to ring or someone is going to knock on my door (so I can put clothes on…because I’m fond of being naked or nearly naked at home! LOLOL)…

Like anything in life, you have to accept the highs and lows in order to have balance, but sometimes, when the balance seems to tip toward the low side of things, it’s tough to remember that it will raise up again. This week has definitely been on the low side-enough to make me wish for the peace and love of the other side-even for just a second-but the beauty of not being afraid to share my thoughts and feelings about it is that I’m already feeling the balance begin to work it’s way upward. It doesn’t matter if we are tuned in a little or enlightened beings, we all stumble from time to time and have to find our way back upright. I can already feel my sickness dissipating and my mood lightening.

When I was hanging out with my dearly departed mama, she kept telling me, “We are one and we are love” and what she meant is that every single being on this planet is connected to each other and we are all made up of the same whatever it is that you want to call it-God, soul, source, energy, etc., and that energy is based on love-pure and simple love. One love. Our energy affects each other, so the more kind and positive energy you put out into the community around you, the more kind and positive energy will carry on through all the people you contact. The same goes for negative energy. If you put it out there, it will affect others. My apologies to anyone I came into contact with this week who felt my negative energy and felt it affect them or snowball.

I’m a constant work in progress.

One love.

And a pic of me and the wonderdog. He could make anyone smile!


Juno The Wonderdog


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