This shit is DEEP. As I said in Part 1, I have been writing down the memories of my NDE as they come to me and struggling to put into words what happened. I am going to write this part as a conversation that I had with my mom, but to save time on the next ones, I’ll just recap the gist of what was said. For now, I want people to understand what this experience was like and, for the most part, it was just a conversation I had with my long-departed mama while we lounged poolside in Mexico (at least I feel like it was Mexico).
This part is all about energy – of the universe and inside us. It is deep, but to me it makes more sense than anything else ever has before.
This is the first thing I wrote about when I got out of the hospital:
I remember feeling the hot sun on my face and opening my eyes to see a beautiful pool in front of me, palm trees everywhere, the sound of Conway Twitty singing in the distance. I am lying on a lounge chair, in a bikini and my toenails are painted a beautiful shade of purple that is almost iridescent when the sun sparkles off them. A pink martini sits on the table beside me, maraschino cherry in the bottom of the glass and beads of condensation running down the glass from the lip to the stem.
I think to myself, Conway Twitty? Martini’s are gross. Then, against my better judgement, I reach out and take a sip and, to my surprise, the drink is just the perfect amount of delicious and refreshing. I guess they aren’t so bad after all. Returning the drink to the table, I lean back and take a deep breath. I feel amazing. My body is almost humming, but so faintly that I can barely detect it. I don’t understand why, but I just know it’s there – the hum – and it feels energizing and warm and rejuvenating.
Even though I feel amazing and completely full to the brim with love and warmth, I know that there is something more to this moment.
I feel as though I am not only in that place as myself, but as everything else too. I feel sort of spread out, as though I am my body, but also the trees, chairs, water, sky, birds, music, etc.. The pool is two things at once – a pool and a movie screen that I can watch and slide into at will. There is a scene playing in the pool and it’s all about me. I’m with Greg and I’m in a hospital and I am very sick, but strangely, I feel no alarm or stress about what’s unfolding there in the pool. Instead, I feel completely wonderful and full of peace and stillness. There are others there with me as well, but I feel them more than see them and it feels as though I’m surrounded by people, yet the pool area is deserted. I lie there, soaking in the warmth of the sun and find myself humming along to a song playing in the background.
“It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?”
I look over to my left and see my mom stretched out beside me, wearing a one-piece, black strapless bathing suit and a big – gigantic actually – wide brimmed hat and large, black sunglasses. She is tanned and slim and her hair is long and shines when the sun hits it. She looks like pictures of her that I have seen from when she was 20 or so and she is absolutely beautiful. I stare at her in awe and a strange sensation comes over me – like waves of warmth running from the tip of my head to my feet – and the humming inside me grows stronger. I feel one thing so strongly that it overpowers every other sensation I’ve ever felt. Love. It wraps around me and settles into my warm skin and I somehow know that it’s not only coming from my mom, but from all those I can’t quite see. I can’t describe how strong it is or how perfect it feels. It just is and I know that it doesn’t matter what I have ever done or said in my entire life, this love knows no judgement. It fills me up and hums within me, like a low grade electrical current running through my being.
“Yes!” I reply, finally. “It’s perfect. Just what I needed to get away from it all for awhile.”
As I’m talking, a slight movement catches my eye on the other side of my mom’s chair and I sit up suddenly.
“Is that Lasha?” I ask my mom. I feel almost bubbly with excitement.
She looks down absent-mindedly and strokes the dog beside her.
“Yes, of course, and others.”
I almost screech in delight and call the dog over. She comes and puts her head on my leg and I scratch her ears and under her chin. I run my hands through her thick fur and hug her. I don’t understand how she can be so unbothered by such a hot climate, but the sun doesn’t seem to bother her at all and she lies down between our chairs and promptly returns to her nap.
I marvel at how my body has no aches or pains and how there seems to be nothing wrong with it at all. My mind is sharply focused and it notes every sensation – from the slight breeze along the hairs on my arms, to the birds playing in the wind high above us, singing as they dive and then ride up the air currents again and again. I am also aware that my mom is more than she appears to be. I can’t explain it, but I just know that she is more than just herself. I wonder, in my mind, how she got here.
“I’m always with you. I always have been. We are all with you. You sometimes see us or feel us, but most of the time, you are unaware that we’re with you.”
I think on this for some time and then I ask her, “What do you mean you are all with me? Who?”
Mom looks at me and chuckles. “You already know. All of us. All of the energy you’ve ever been touched by before we returned to rejoin with ourselves. This is how it works. We are all here with you all the time. We are all a part of you and each other and we are one. We are love.”
I laugh too, shaking my head. This somehow makes perfect sense.
Mom smiles and take a sip of her drink, another pink martini. “Now you don’t have to doubt anymore. We are always with you and you are a part of us as surely as we are a part of you.”
I wonder about that. Why do I have doubts if I already know that we are one?
Mom laughs her amazing, ringing, hilarious laugh (which makes me giggle too). She finds this really funny and throws back her head and laughs really loudly and I feel infected by her laughter and soon we are both laughing loudly. I, once again, understand somehow that doubt is a necessary part of the life we choose to live on earth (or in any plane we inhabit a body). We can’t learn without it. I don’t understand why, but this fills me up with joy and we go on laughing and laughing.
I ask mom if she protects me while I’m in physical form.
“We all do, but your energy is part of ours, so you are, in essence, protecting yourself. We just reinforce your belief.”
“Call it belief, faith, whatever. You have strong faith and you are protected by the connection of your energy to ours because we are one. You’ve always been very good at believing in yourself and in your own energy.”
“Is my body dying?”
I continue to feel amazing and feel zero alarm at the prospect my body might die. In fact, I continue to feel full of peace and love and nothing troubles me, but I am filled with curiosity about everything.
I wonder why I am so sick. Mom immediately starts explaining it to me.
“Open your mind and feel the truth in this. When we are in a body, we all have a protective barrier around our energy or our soul or whatever you want to think of it as. That cushion is what allows us to protect our energy and keep it strong. In the end, everything is energy and we are everything. We are eternal, but in our bodies we are vulnerable. Our energy is connected to our body as well as to everything else, so all of it is affected by what our bodies go through in life. We have to be careful with ourselves while we live in our bodies. If we spend too much of our time allowing fear and negativity to control us or giving too much of our energy away, our connection shifts toward the part of our energy that is not contained in our bodies – the Source that we are all made up of -and, as a result, our bodies weaken and allow sickness in to wreak havoc. When we refuse to see the lessons we have set out to learn during the life of our body, it causes our protective cushion to break down and our source energy is allowed to seep back toward the Source where we are all joined in it’s effort to gain strength. When this happens, our bodies defences break down and allow disease, sickness and injury into our bodies. The more we ignore the lessons, the more our bodies break down and the less chance our bodies have of continuing on.”
I split in half at this point and find myself floating into the pool to check in on myself at the hospital (which I have already blogged about) and, while I’m floating around in the hospital, I can still see and hear mom talking by the pool.
“Our energy needs to be balanced, allowing for both positive and negative input, so we can make choices. Before we choose a life, we choose the lessons we want to learn and our choices allow us to learn them. When we put our energy into things that don’t re-energize our souls or continue to strengthen our energy, we are choosing to ignore lessons and depleting our energy by breaking down our cushion. It creates unbalance. If balance isn’t restored, our bodies break down and die off so we can let go and reconnect to our source energy. If this happens, we can look back on the life and see which lessons we learned and which ones we didn’t.
You are in this situation right now as your body fights to live while your source energy seeks to regain its balance.”
I still feel no sense of alarm or urgency to fix my body or return to it. I am filled with questions about balancing energy and I ask my mom how we return balance to our energy.
“You make different choices. You choose to stop putting too much of yourself into the things that don’t keep you balanced and energized and start putting more time and energy into the things that do,
You already know what changes need to be made. You have known for awhile, but have been too worried about letting people down, feeling like a failure, not being worthy in your own eyes or others’. You have been letting fear control you instead of relying on faith in your own energy. Your fear has caused you to make choices that are leading you away from your intended lessons.”
“What are my intended lessons?”
(I have tried so many times to remember anything she said here, but cannot remember any of it. I can see us having a conversation, but none of it is clear and only a word or two comes to me. I remember a sense of realization, as though I’ve discovered my purpose in life.)
My mom is talking again, about the one energy she keeps mentioning. She is calling is Source or sometimes, she calls it Soul. I’ll just use Source to keep it simple.
“We are all Source and we are all a part of each other, always. Even when we are living, we are still a part of each other. Connected. One.”
“Is that what this humming feeling inside me is?”
“Yes. Source. Everything.”
“Are you really my mom?”
“I am everything, including you. We are everything together. One. Love. We are love and we are one.”
The humming inside me grows so strong that I can literally feel every single particle of whatever it is that is inside me, bumping against each other, joining together, splitting apart. It’s deafening but completely silent all at once. And I totally get it. I completely understand what she’s saying because I can feel everything, both within and all around me.
We are everything. Together and one. Love. Where I am right now, nothing else exists but love. And it feels like home.
Sidenote: Every day since this went down, I feel the hum inside me. Sometimes it is overwhelming -like thousands of people are humming around me without speaking – and sometimes it is comforting (like the buzz of bees flying from flower to flower), but it NEVER goes away and I love it. I can feel it ebb and flow at certain times of the day and it’s quietest or less noticeable between 9 p.m. and 3 a.m. (when it starts back up again). I realized, just yesterday, that it is the energy that my mom was talking about. Everything. All of us. I’m not sure why I feel it and, honestly, I’m not going to over-analyze it or go out of my way to try to understand it. I’m just rolling with it. Not only that, but I can “feel” people from far away too. I can look at someone who I don’t know and have never met and I can “feel” them – what their emotions are, if their bodies are healthy or sick, etc.. It is as though the humming that is constantly with me separates itself until a vibrating thread comes out to greet me and it is the energy of the person I’m looking at. It doesn’t happen with everyone, but each day it happens more often and I am getting better at honing in on the people who hum the loudest. I know, this makes me sound like a complete whack job and Greg’s probably going to want to check me into the Funny Farm soon, but it is what it is.
I’ve already started to write the next part of this blog series and hope to publish it sometime this weekend, but who knows what adventures I’ll get up to from now until then.
One Love. (just like Bob Marley said!)