I lost my shit yesterday, on one of my long-time friends, over something that was absolutely none of my business and, when I finally came up for air, I realized that I felt a huge sense of relief and no remorse.
It took me all night to process why I didn’t feel awful for saying some really awful shit to someone I love. I tossed and turned all night while I mulled it over. It’s not like me to say hateful things without extreme regret and a profuse apology. It’s not like me to deliberately hurt someone’s feelings and then walk away feeling relieved.
I mean, what kind of friend does that?
This morning, I do feel fairly shitty that I couldn’t just keep my big mouth shut and give her the sympathy and support she was seeking, but I also still feel a huge sense of relief. It was not the right time to say what I said, but when is the right time to ever tell someone any awful truth that we see about them?
Firstly, I turned quite toxic for awhile after my kid died and I lost quite a few friends because of it. When some of those friends told me I was toxic, I hated hearing it and I resented them for saying it, but I listened to them. Once the initial anger dissipated, I knew that they were speaking the truth and, as much as it hurt, I knew I had to do something about it. When I’d had enough of feeling shitty, I took their words and used them to make all the changes I needed to climb back up out of the abyss of pain and anger I was wallowing in. Understandably, I hated being told that I was toxic because nobody ever wants to hear that about ourselves-especially while grieving the loss of a child or other loved one- but the stuff that hurts us the most is the undesirable truth and that is the part we need to take in, meditate on, and process. That is the part we need to focus on fixing, for our own well-being.
But some people, no matter what we say or how we say it (nicely or not), just don’t want to hear any of it and they don’t want to learn and grow from it. This is my friend.
She is an energy vampire and a martyr.
For the past five or so years, she has been sucking the life out of me on a regular basis without even realizing it. I find myself avoiding visits with her when she invites me to visit or she comes to BC because I’m completely drained after only a couple hours with her. When my phone beeps with her text tone, I immediately dread reading the text because I know that, 9 times out of 10, she is going to be complaining, whining, seeking enablement (which she thinks of as support, but just isn’t so. I can have sympathy and support someone, even if I don’t agree with them. What she wants is for people to agree with her, take her side, and tell her that all of her feelings are justified. That’s not supporting, that’s enabling.). In general, every conversation we have is her telling me how difficult her life is and how extremely unhappy she is with it. And, no matter how much positivity and light I try to throw at her, no matter how much I try to be loving and supportive or suggest helpful ways for her to improve her life situation, she balks. She argues with me that she can’t get out of the situation she’s in (when she can). She makes excuses for everything to justify feeling shitty (even though she is creating her own shitty reactions to her situation). She comes up with every reason under the sun why she just can’t fix her unhappiness and it’s never about her. It’s always because someone or something else is preventing her from finding the happiness she longs for.
I figured out last year that she is physically addicted to drama, although she swears she isn’t.
Drama causes the pituitary gland and hypothalamus to secrete endorphins (pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing compounds that ease anxiety and stress). She thrives on drama because the endorphins it creates make her feel good, but when the drama passes, she starts to feel shitty again so she either creates or finds more drama to pick herself back up. It’s an exhaustive, body and soul-depleting cycle, but she has NO idea she is behaving like this and she won’t listen to me or others who have tried to help her.
And so yesterday, when she texted me with a simple, “Broken heart today”, I immediately knew I’d had enough and didn’t really care why she was broken hearted. I was simply exhausted with her perpetual cycle of whining and bullshit and I couldn’t stop myself from telling her what I felt about all of it. In hindsight, I should have just left her text alone, but I always wonder if she is, in fact, in dire straits and if I can do anything to help. Obviously, I’m a bit obtuse sometimes and have been helping to keep the cycle going.
And so, I lost my shit and told her that I couldn’t deal with her anymore. It was definitely the wrong time and place, as she was genuinely distressed, but I couldn’t bring myself to have sympathy for that situation either. I was just done with all of it.
A sleepless night later and I have asked myself some really soul-searching questions. What is it that makes us hang on to the toxic people in our lives so long, and through so much shit, before we are so depleted that we have to bail to save our own sanity and souls? Why is it I couldn’t find a way to get through to her a long time ago and maybe stop her train of self-pity and soul-destruction in its tracks? What will it take to get her to realize she is constantly creating stress, drama, sadness, and despair for herself and that she’s draining the people around her?
And my conclusion: I have no idea.
Maybe she will never be happy. Maybe she will always be addicted to drama. Maybe this is her path to walk and there is nothing I, nor anyone else can say or do to help her take a different path.
What I do know is that I allow her to bring out the absolute worst in me and I’ve been allowing it for years (as many of my friends and family can attest to). I can be in a fantastic mood and we will have a conversation and it will end with me feeling like a bag of old, unhappy shit. She brings out my tell-it-like-it-is, self-righteous, Judgey McJudgerson side (something I put a lot of effort into ignoring), and I allow her to create feelings of hopelessness and helplessness when we interact. Sometimes I just cry for 20 minutes in frustration that she can’t see how much she wants to remain unhappy. For whatever reason (probably because I love her kids so much), I just can’t seem to let go of her and keep perpetuating the effect she has on me. Who knows, maybe I’ve become addicted to her drama. Whatever the reason, I cannot allow myself to go down that rabbit hole anymore, regardless of how much I actually love her and her family.
I read a quote yesterday that made me finally come to my senses: “At some point, we have to realize that some people can still stay in our hearts, even when they can no longer remain in our lives.”
This is where I am at. I love her and wish her happiness, but I can no longer participate in her toxic cycle and I have to accept that and be okay with it for love of my own sanity.
Lastly, being such an asshole yesterday was a good reason to go within and do a little housecleaning in my “Don’t be a judgmental douchebag” closet and remember that anger and self-righteous bullshit are never the answer – even when we feel totally justified in our beliefs. Although I won’t say that it won’t happen again, it has definitely brought some of my own undesirable behaviors into the forefront of my mind and I will, once again, be a lot more aware of how I’m treating others.
And, like everything challenging that life sends our way, all we can do is choose to learn from it and grow.